Dear "You"

You will most likely never see this but it will make me feel better.

Today was a mistake. It really was but maybe I needed it to make me see the hopelessness of the situation.
I know this was/is my fault but I know its not all my fault either. I accept responsibility for this but what does it matter now, "life as we knew it" is over. Just know that I'd have done better if given a
chance to. But that's okay. I have learned my lessons for next time.

I know this is not a good time for you and you're going through so much. At least I was able to glean that much. I wish there was a way for me to tell you that you have to gradually let go of th anger and pain in order to heal. It's okay to be angry for a while but don't dwell on it too long.

I really hope you are and will be happy. You really deserve it. You are a good person. And I don't think I ever told you this but I love you. I hope things, everything, work out well for you: better than you hope.

If you ever need to talk I will be here to listen. I doubt you'll ever take me up on that offer but that's okay too.

You'll be fine, wont you? I know you will, your strength will carry you through. Don't compromise your values ever. And do be very happy and excel. I'll be cheering for you in private. I guess this is goodbye. It should have been a long way coming actually but today made me see that clearly. I'll see you around. And no matter how much it hurts or what pain I'm experiencing, I'll smile and say hi, maybe even give you a hug, you'll smile back and ask how I'm doing and I'll say I'm good.

I'll miss you. I miss you.

Africa Calling

The blood of royalty courses through my veins My patterned face in fierce concentration As I wield my sword - Prancing and feinting - A warrior in action My barefoot glides across the sand Dancing beads around my waist Clanging bangles on both wrists - A sweet music - My hair speaks of my ancestry - An ancestry I wear like a crown - I am a woman I am African I am an African woman . . .

Day 30 - A Letter To Myself; Telling Myself Everything I Love About Myself

Dear Chioma,

How've you been? I hope you're coping well with the stress of school.

This letter is to tell you all the things I love about you.

I love your loyalty and the extent of your love! You are loyal to your friends and you love them fiercely. I love the fact that you are of the opinion that "once a friend, always a friend" and you always keep people in your heart.

I love your generousity and thoughtfulness. You help people with the little you have and you do little things to make others happy. You hardly forget dates/birthdays, which proves how thoughtful you are.

I love your beautiful soul and how you choose to see the best in people and believe in people. You are not naive but you are trusting.

I love how you stay true to yourself; how you never compromise your values to follow the crowd. I love your dedication and hard work. I love how you never change to fit in with the crowd, but instead choose to stand out.

People say you give good advise and I love that about you too.

You are friendly, caring, loving, sweet, loyal, and faithful. I love all these things about you.

I especially love the fact that you are a very strong and courageous young lady. You wrap your strength around you and get through tough times. You are brave, and I love that. You were never really able to be a kid, you accepted everything life threw your way with courage and rose up to the situation.

There are so many things I love about you. Too many things to mention. Even when I'm mad at you, I want you to know that I love you and will never stop loving you. Remember, that you're beautiful - inside and out, you deserve all the good things of life, and everything in your life will fall into place in time. You will be great Chioma, never doubt that. Don't be a stranger! I love you.

Day 29 - Something I Hope To Change About Myself, and Why.

For the most part, I'm happy with whom I am. I have my flaws, many of them, and shortcomings, maybe some people complain about them but as one of my friends pointed out to me, in spite of these flaws, I still have friends and whoever is not satisfied with who I am, can take a walk.

If anything, I'd like to change the fact that I'm impatient, have zero tolerance for shallowness and stupidity, and don't think highly of myself at times or shortchange myself.

If these changes never happen, I'm still me and I'm happy to be me.

Day 27 - What's the Best Thing Going for Me Right Now?

I'd like to say school, but I'm afraid that will not be true.

I'd like to say the presence of good friends, but my friends are so far away and I feel disconnected from them most times.

I'd like to say my family, but most of the time they don't understand me.

So what else is left to say?

Don't get it twisted. I'm grateful for all of the aforementioned . . . but the best thing?

Maybe I'm the best thing going for me right now, but most times I don't even know who "me" is anymore.

This is a question to which I do not have an answer.

I guess I'd just say the fact that I'm alive, hale and hearty.

Day 26 - Have I Ever Thought About Giving up on Life? If So When And Why?

I've definitely thought about this many times. I think if we're true to ourselves, we'd all admit that at one point or the other, maybe at many points, we have all nursed these thoughts.

The "whys" are a number of things too so I can't really say. Invisibility is a big part of it though.

I have big things to do with my life & until it's really over, I'm not giving up on life.

Day 25 - The Reason I Believe I'm Still Alive Today

I believe God is behind my being alive today. I believe God has kept me alive, and is keeping me alive, because He has a special purpose for my life; a purpose I'm to fulfill. I believe I'm still alive because there's something I have to say to the world, to contribute to it and until that is done, I'm not stopping.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone and explain why I chose all the songs

This was kinda hard at first, then I remembered that I was supposed to make Swa a playlist anyway.

I started going through my iTunes but that's too much work. Sorry, I'm done!

Day 23 - Something I Wish I Had Done In My Life

What on earth are you on about???

My life is not over!!! My life is just beginning and the things I wish to do, I'll do them. Those I wish I had done, I might still be able to do them.

Sorry, but that topic makes me think of someone who's life is over. It seems to me like a question you'd ask an 80 year old person or someone on their deathbed.

Day 22 - Something I Wish I Hadn't Done In My Life

I really don't know. If I remember anything I'll come back and edit this. I'll just say one thing, I can't erase my mistakes so you'll just have to take me as I am.

Day 21 - (Scenario) My best friend is in a car accident and we got into a fight an hour before. What do I do?

What else would I do???

Get there as fast as I can to do whatever I can (or nothing as the case may be) of course. I'm not one to keep grudges, neither are most of the people I even consider friends.

Day 20 - My Views on Drugs and Alcohol

I am so against drugs and alcohol. We all know, at least I think we should know, the negative effects of these stuff that I just wonder why people still engage in these habits.

Sometimes these things just make people forget how to act. Early this morning, like around 1:30 a.m./2.00 a.m., my floor was a madhouse because some people forgot themselves at party, got wasted, throwing up and putting other people in misery. These things don't make sense to me. Maybe I need someone to explain it to me. How is it fun that you're so drunk you have no idea what's going on around you, and you're throwing up everywhere and making a fool of yourself? How is it fun that you wake up later in the day with a splitting headache and having to face the mess you've created?

I'm against drugs, I'm against alcohol. I'm so proud to be a "Clean Teen" now.

Day 19 - What I Think of Religion or What I Think of Politics

I'd like to start by saying I don't care about politics! I absolutely don't care!!

Religion! That's a whole different story. I am a Christian. I believe in God; I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and He came to save the world from sin; I believe that Jesus died and rose on the third day; I believe in the Trinity - God, the Father, Jesus Christ, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; I believe . . . You get my point.

I don't believe in religion though. Religion is the cause of many troubles on earth today. Religion leads to fanaticism, and we have witnessed or heard about the results of those: people destroying human lives in the name of religion, and saving the world. If that is what religion is about, then we would all be better off without it.

I believe in relationship. Relationship is what matters, not religion. The word "Christian" means "Christ-like" and that is what I strive to be. I strive to have a relationship with my God and be "Christ-like." Christianity is not a religion. Christianity is a relationship; it's a way of life.

Day 17 - A Book I've Read That Changed My Views on Something

If you know anything at all about me, you'll know how much I love to read. I've read too many books to count or remember.

The only book that stands out to me right now is titled "Pearl Moon" by Katherine Stone. I read this book in 2007 or 2006; I'm not sure. My friend, and partner in reading, Damilola Oduyebo let me read this book. I'm happy she did.

"Pearl Moon" changed my views on the country Hong Kong. Hong Kong is not a country I paid any attention or even thought. "Pearl Moon" describes Hong Kong in such a beautiful and stunning light, that it is currently on the list of countries I want to visit someday. Sometime in July, somebody asked me that if I had a chance to visit a country by myself soon, where would I go? I said Italy at first, but quickly realized Italy is not a country I want to visit alone and I corrected myself and said Hong Kong. "Pearl Moon" has made me visualize Hong Kong differently and I want to visit someday; hopefully my visit confirms my new view of the country.

Day 16 - Something or Someone I Definitely Could Live Without

This topic is way too broad for me to handle.

There are so many things I could live without that I wouldn't know where to start listing them.

So what exactly is it you want to know?

Day 15 - Something or Someone That I Couldn't Live Without Because I've Tried Living Without It

This is kinda a hard topic.

I'd have to say a means of expression. I can't live without having a means of expressing myself. That's too broad, right?

A means of expression for me is mostly writing. I make journal entries, blog, write stories (rarely), write poems and stuff. I don't think I could live without this. I'd just have so many emotions bottled up inside of me that I don't know what would happen.

So I guess this is it.

Day 14 - A Hero/Heroine That Has Let Me Down

Dear Unknown,

I can't seem to figure out anyone that fits this label so this is to you, Unknown. Maybe you'll appear sometime in my future.

Day 13 - A Band or Artist That Has Gotten Me Through Some Tough Days

Dear Taylor,

This letter is just to thank you for your contribution to my life through your music. Your songs speak to me and just touch me deeply. For a long while, "Change" kept me going and made me think that tough times never last forever. It added to my hope and kept me from despair.

"A Place in This World" and "Tied Together With A Smile" are other songs that have inspired strength into me and helped raise me at times when I was low.

This is to you Taylor Swift (though I doubt you'll EVER read this). Thank you for everything. Continue being you and most importantly, continue writing and singing! =)

Day 12 - Something On Which I Never Get Compliments

This is kinda whack.

I don't get compliments on a lot of things. Not my eyes, ears, nose, eyelashes, eyebrows. Do I still have to continue?

Day 11 - Something People Seem To Compliment Me On The Most

*A day to brag, yay!!!! (jk)*

I get compliments on a few things. I've gotten compliments on some pretty strange things, like my height - which I think is weird.

Many people compliment me on my smile. They say I have a nice smile (I don't know how true that is; your opinion would be appreciated). I guess that's what people seem to compliment me on the most!

Day 10 - Someone I Need To Let Go, Or Wish I Never Knew

I don't think I'm unnecessarily holding on to anybody at this point.

I could mention a bunch of people I wish I never met, if I think about it, and even if I don't think about it but I think thats unnecessary. Every person that has come into my life has thought me a lesson, even those that treated me unfairly and all. The last year and few months of my life have not been the best (great understatement) but I learnt a lot during that period. If nothing else, I learnt patience. I accept every person that I've known and I'm grateful for all the lessons I've learnt from them.

Day 9 - Someone I Didn't Want To Let Go, But Just Drifted

You should check Day 14 of my former blog challenge. I'd say one thing I said on that day too, "This is just about all of my friends."

Day 8 - Someone Who Has Made My Life Hell

This is just too cruel to impose on anyone. People have definitely made my life unpleasant at some points but never hell. At the top of this list is someone I've mentioned all too well before. No need for repetitions.

Day 7 - Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living

The only person that has made my life worth living is a girl named:

Chioma Opeyemi Agu

Is it possible for anybody to make my life worth living if I didn't want it for myself?? I didn't think so either.

I'll have to give credit to my friends for their part in this "worth living" thing but the truth is I had to have made the decision to make my life worth living myself because it is my life.

Day 6 - Something I Hope I Never Have To Do

One thing I sincerely hope I NEVER have to do is compromise my values or who I am. The standards I've set for myself and the values I have are what make me and I pray and hope I'm never in a situation where I have to compromise those values.

No need for long explanations. It's that simple ^^^

Day 5 - Something I Hope to Do in My Life

More than anything, I hope to find true love. I hope to fall in love, that is true, deep, real and most importantly lasts for: forever and a day, forever and always, always and forever.

I hope to get married to the love of my life and have a happy marriage that will last as long as we both live.

I hope to give birth to beautiful, wonderful and good kids.

There are other short term things I could tell you I hope to do in my life; like graduate from university on time, get a good job and be successful. I want all of these things but the above are long term things.

The Way I'm Feeling

This song perfectly describes the way I'm feeling right now.

I was feeling some kind of way before and decided to listen to Taylor Swift. After I abruptly left the "A Taste of Howard" event because of the various things going on in my head, on my way this song was the next & it just speaks to/about the way I'm feeling right now.

Its strange how people can have different definitions of friendship.

I've been thinking how similar most humans are to snails. I have an idea of a poem from that, hopefully I can sit still and put the thoughts to words on paper.

How come there are just a few real people around here and even in this world?

Right now, I'm about done with EVERYTHING else; I just want to focus on my academics and succeed at that. If the other things work out; fine, and if they don't; I'll live with it.

Taylor Swift's "Tied Together With A Smile" is another song that kind of describes how I feel now.

Day 4 - Something For Which I Have To Forgive Someone

As I said on Day 22 (Someone To Whom I Want To Give A Second Chance) of the last blog challenge, I'm not one to hold on to grudges. I forgive people very easily. There are a few people that could fit in here though.

My brother: This happened such a very long time ago and I think I've forgiven him. I sure don't hold it against him or anything but it annoys me when I remember that he read my diary in 2005 (I guess). He did it on purpose and started taunting me and stuff and I was sooooo mad (you can't even imagine) and he sent a whole bunch of people to apologize to me, which annoyed me more. I burnt the diary at last but those were my thoughts. You'll probably say, that's why I shouldn't keep a diary or something but I've been faithfully keeping a diary/journal since 2006 till date.

My sister: These were more recent actually. It happened more than once. I don't want to put all those things out here. These incidents hurt me, and on one vivid occasion, made me cry. I accept the fact that all that is behind now and I've forgiven her but I've definitely not forgotten. One day she said something about how there's nothing I can do about all those things anymore. The way she said it without emotion and tried to trivialize something I felt strongly about, my emotions, really set me off. I did nothing except tell her to shut her mouth because at that moment, I did not feel like talking with her or hearing her voice.

That's about it. Maybe I'm wrong but its not like I'm intentionally holding on to the memories. I think I've pretty much forgiven them; I've just not forgotten.

Day 3 - Something For Which I Have To Forgive Myself

I think I have to forgive myself for not being the best I know I can be sometimes. There's not much for which I have to forgive myself. This is about it.

Day 2 - Something I Love About Myself

I love the fact that I truly care about people, even though caring too much has proved to be a flaw sometimes. This is something I don't want to change about myself. Its who I am, it makes my personality and it makes me.

P.S: I was going to write way more than this but I'm so hungry right now that you can't even imagine. I'm going to bed very soon.

Day 1 - Something I Hate About Myself

There's hardly anything I hate about myself. There are some traits I would like to work on (or I am working on) though.

The biggest thing with me is impatience. I'm not a very patient person by any means. From March 2009 to today, I've come a long way and I learn a little more patience each day. My patience level has increased by a lot from having to deal with extremely ignorant people, immature people, too many unpleasant situations. Whatever the case, I'm happy with my progress and I know I can do way better than this.

I would talk about other things but this blog title says something. I would write about more than one thing anyway but I can't really make up my mind. So this is it for now.

Whew . . .

I'm happy I'm finally done with this blog challenge.

Yvette sent another 30-day blog challenge that I'm so excited about doing because, honestly, its way more fun than the one that just ended.

Here are the topics for each day

Day 1 - Something you hate about yourself

Day 2 - Something you love about yourself

Day 3 - Something for which you have to forgive yourself

Day 4 - Something for which you have to forgive someone

Day 5 - Something you hope to do in your life

Day 6 - Something you hope you never have to do

Day 7 - Someone who has made your life worth living

Day 8 - Someone who made your life hell

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you on the most

Day 12 - Something you on which you never get compliments

Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days (write a letter)

Day 14 - A hero/heroine that has let you down (write a letter)

Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it

Day 16 - Something or someone you definitely could live without

Day 17 - A book you've read that changed your views on something

Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage

Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol

Day 21 - (Scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artist in a letter)

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life. If so, when and why?

Day 27 - What's the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 - If you were pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself, and why.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself; tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

We start on Monday, August 16. Check Yvette's blog too http://evet965.blogspot.com/

I leave for Howard tomorrow and I'm super-duper excited!!!

Later!

Day 30 - My Reflection In The Mirror

This is me: Chioma Opeyemi Agu.

I am far from perfect. I am not very big on patience but this last year has taught me a lot about that. I get angry easily too but my anger doesn't last. I have so many fears and insecurities.

I am a wonderful friend that truly cares. I am a dreamer. When I look in the mirror, I see my fears and imperfections. When I look in the mirror I see a person with amazing strength; struck down but never destroyed. When I look in the mirror I see the dreamer in me. When I look in the mirror I see the beauty in me that no one, or circumstance, can take away from me. I know I am special. I have potentials. I am talented. I am extraordinary. I will be great.

This is me . . .

And this is the end of my 30-day blog challenge =)

Day 29 - The Person To Whom I Want To Tell Everything

I hate this topic too. There's no person I want to tell EVERYTHING. I mean, is that possible??

The person to whom I'd like to tell MOST THINGS is my mother. I wish we were more of friends but we aren't. She doesn't know me as much as I'd like her to do. People say things get better when the children get older. Until then (if ever), I've learned to live with it.

Day 28 - Someone That Changed My Life

This is dumb!!!

I can't wait for this 30 -day challenge to be over.

Nobody changed my life #flat

Day 27 - The Friendliest Person I Knew For Only One Day

The award for this goes to . . . Raphaelta Masango. I tried to remember if there is any other person but she's the only one that comes to mind. I met her on June 26, 2010 at a cookout & by the end of the day we were talking like old friends that we jokingly referred to each other as best friends. I've not seen her since then but we check up on each other via Facebook (not often I must confess).

Day 26 - The Last Person To Whom I Made A Pinky Promise

This is quite dumb. I can't remember the last time I made a pinky promise or even to whom it was.

Day 25 - The Person I Know That Is Going Through The Worst of Times

At the risk of sounding selfish, I would say me. I've not felt truly happy for more than a year now. I hope things change really quickly and I start living again, not merely existing.

I think my mother fits into this category. She's doesn't complain too much but I know. The drama that woman deals with is enough to send any one over the edge. Many times I wonder why she takes all the crap she does but I know its not out of weakness because that woman is strong.

And finally there's another friend. He has trusted me with stuff he didn't tell people so this is not my story to tell. Life suddenly turned crazy for him & it's amazing how he's able to hold on to his humor, courage & strength though he has his fears. I'm here for you bro. I love you.

Day 24 - The Person That Gave Me My Favorite Memory

This is another of my least favorite topic because it just doesn't make sense to me.

First & foremost, I don't have A favorite memory. I have a couple of them.

Secondly, its almost impossible to single out one person has giving me my favorite memories.

Day 23 - The Last Person I Kissed

Virgin lips, so what can I say? Its weird admitting this. I've heard the expression "sweet sixteen and never been kissed" but I am so past the Sweet 16 age. I'm shy and kinda "not shy" (for lack of better wording) about this fact in my life.

I'm trying so hard not to remember the last person that tried to kiss me. Ewwww! Please don't ask, it's so embarrassing.

Day 22 - Someone To Whom I Want To Give A Second Chance

I really don't know. I'm pretty very forgiving. I've given people more than their fair share of second, third and even fourth chances (for some) mostly because I have this "once a friend, always a friend" mindset. I can dislike you and push you out of my life if I only like or admire you, but once I love people, I can't stop and they become a part of me. I sometimes feel this is not a good trait but its hard to stop; its me.

Some of my very close friends now have hurt me deeply in the past (some more than once). I'm happy I gave second chances. Most times its difficult to believe that they did those things.

Style

This is not about my personal style but about my writing style. I write sometimes, mostly poetry and stories too. I'm not a fabulous writer or anything but I try. I mostly write according to what I'm feeling. My poetry style is pretty basic. Its usually about people and has like "I," "you" and stuff. It doesn't rhyme either. The one time I wrote a poem that rhymed was when Mr. Stevens made us write a 30-line poem with a rhyme scheme ababcdecde for each ten-line stanza. I didn't think I could do it but I did & I'm proud of it. I want to push myself to do rhymes and poems with general themes and ideas.

This is just about a few changes & broadening my horizon.

Day 21 - Someone I Judged By My First Impression of Him/Her

Her name is Omolola.

I didn't like this girl when I got to know her at first. She gives the impression of this loud, snobbish girl with the I-don't-care attitude. She definitely has many haters. Getting to know this girl just made me realize that she's real. She's not a snob and just speaks her mind. I really love her now & I miss her too. She's a true & loyal friend.

Day 20 - The One That Broke My Heart The Hardest

I've never had my heart broken; I mean I'm a careful girl so how could anyone have broken my heart??? (jk)

Seriously, I've never been heart-broken like that. I know it would happen sometime. This is going to sound weird but I actually do want it to happen because it's one of those rites of passage and it will make me stronger and more experienced.

Day 19 - Someone That Pesters My Mind - Good or Bad

This topic is really pointless (one of my least favorites) but I don't want to skip any day, so this is it: no single person pesters my mind #flat

Day 18 - The Person That I Wish I Could Be

I just want to be me, it's as simple as that. I don't really like the person I am most of the time, now. I miss the person I used to be. I think the person I used to be is more like the person I'm meant to be. I'm slowly rediscovering the person I used to be, & I've learnt so much from the person I am. The combination of these two "MEs" is the person I wish I could be. I love myself & would never change who I am for anybody. The person that I wish I could be is the real me!

*The picture on the left represents who I used to be (taken on November 5, 2008) & on the right, who I am now (taken on July 24, 2010)

Day 17 - Someone From My Childhood

I was going to do this with pictures but that's too much work since I'm doing this about three people from my childhood. The four of us share a childhood bond. We, the three girls, were extra, super close. The parents of all four of us were/are close friends.

The first person I'll talk about is Inumidun Fatoke. I've known her since I was in the womb. She's just six months older than me. We were really close. We used to match and all. At her birthday parties and mine, we wore identical clothes in the same colours. We were best of friends for a long time but things happened. We grew up, at least she did when she decided our other friend, Tolulope, and myself treated her some kind of way. I can't say we're still friends; we're just about strangers to each other, all that we have left is the childhood bond we share.

The second is the only boy & his name is Gideon Disu. He wasn't overly close to us but we were childhood friends. We've known each other since, and we grew up together. He's not a stranger to me but we're not all that friends. At least, I still know him.

The last but the greatest is my present bestest, Tolulope Kumuyi (the girl in the picture). I know her, we're still best of friends and I love her so much. She's been there over the years and my life is better for having known her.

Day 16 - Someone That Is Not In My State or Country

I know I definitely can't go through this 30-day blog challenge without talking about this special friend of mine. I've known him for almost 8 years now, though we've been friends for less. & yeah he's in Morocco.

Summary: He's a really great friend. Sometimes I wonder myself how our long distance friendship works, but it does. He's one of those few people whom I know that even after a long time of not communicating would still be friends. We have a weird relationship, don't ask. He's helped me get through a lot. I'm hoping you never leave!

Day 15 - The Person I Miss The Most

I don't miss any one person the most. I miss all my friends. I'm writing about this one person because she doesn't believe I miss her & in her mind, I don't even remember her. I hate the fact that I'm writing this after she just said on Facebook that she misses me; I had already decided that this was going to be about you. Darmey, you've got to believe me this time! Yes, her name is Darmey; Oluwadamilola actually since Darmey means nothing. I call her Nasty Darmey (only Gbemi & I call her that) & some others call her Tall Darmey (do they still call you that btw?)Pictures really don't capture the essence of this girl; so it was hard choosing a picture. I picked two. Let me explain this first. Darmey is a model; and in this picture she's doing her thing. She can be exactly the way she looks in this picture; sassy, saucy, rude & everything. Remember how we became friends and we (Gbemi & I) nicknamed you Nasty Darmey? She also has to act the diva in everything (Oh! I remember one day you were posing for a picture & Sope told you "smile; you're on the grass not the runway" That was funny); coming up with phrases that used to make us tell her to create her own dictionary. This particular Darmey can be very annoying.

This picture signifies the other side of this girl. She's a very sweet friend & acts like a kid sometimes in spite of the sophistication (no offense; it's all love). This girl is my friend; I'm proud to call her my friend. Despite how much she annoys and/or irritates me at times, she's still my friend. This is a person that truly cares about those she loves and calls friends. She has made me, as her friend, feel like a very important part of her life & my opinion about stuff (even herself) really matters to her. I could go on & on. We might not be all that close anymore but I still, and will always, miss this girl, Nasty Darmey!

My Promise To You

I may not be able to give you what you need the most, but you can count on my support, prayers, love and care.

If you ever need to talk, I'll be here to listen; if you ever need to cry, I'll lend you my shoulders to cry on; I'll always be here for you.

Even when I can't be with you, my heart will always be by your side.

When I can't feel your pain, I'll at least try to understand it. When I can't feel your pain & sorrows, I'll feel a pain in my heart, knowing you are in pain.

Beyond distance & irrespective of the time that has passed (with or without communication), I'll still be here when you need me.

I'll always love you; no matter what.


This is my promise to you; the promise I made when I called you my friend. I renew this promise every time I call you my friend. Hold me to this promise, a thousand years after our last communication, because friendship never EVER dies, it's a circle that continues.

Day 14 - Someone From Whom I've Drifted

This is just about all of my friends. I'll keep it short and simple.

Oluwafemi Odukoya

Oluwaponmile Adegboyega

George Ugbegua

Oluwaseyi Adegbola

Kehinde Adewale

Inumidun Fatoke


The love is the same; circumstances just forced us apart.

Day 13 - A Fictional Book

You would think this would be difficult for me, because if you know anything about me you'd know I love reading and I've read too many books, but this was very easy actually. Once I saw this topic, I knew what book it was going to be.

Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison.
I read this book for my AP English 12 class & it was definitely different from what I thought it was going to be. Its style its so different and unique from other books I've read, which was why I chose to write about it today. That book made me think, analyze, draw connections. It has deep meanings in every thing - the name of the characters, the location of places, even the time of events. There's so much I can say about that book yet there's nothing to say. Song of Solomon is awesome. Read it if you haven't.

Day 12 - The Person I Hate/The Person That Caused Me The Most Pain

I don't even have to think twice about this. The award goes to *drums beating..............................*

MY STEPFATHER

He has caused me more pain & unhappiness than I care to remember. I'll just leave the past in the past, wrap my strength around me & continue into the future.

Day 11 - A Deceased Person With Whom I Wish I Could Talk

I've been privileged enough not to lose (to death) any person really close to me. The only family I've lost was my uncle. He died on January 21, 2006. I cried when my mother told me about his death. I guess he's the only person that falls into today's topic.

Day 10 - Someone I Don't Talk With As Much As I Would Like

So many people fall into this category (even though it says someone). This doesn't need pictures or even any long talks. I'll just mention a few of these people.

Omotayo Egberongbe

Tolulope Kumuyi

Oluwagbemisola Akinola

Olayinka Folorunso

Ayanyimika Ayanlola

Henry Oladimeji

Day 9 - Someone I Wish I Could Meet (C)

Acting is the what I love doing the most. Its just in me. I hope to find a career in it sometime. I really doubt I can find that here in the U.S and I wouldn't mind going back home to do what I love. I intentionally chose a Nigerian actress for this. She's my namesake for one & her name is Chioma Chukwuka. She's REALLY good at what she does. Of all the Nollywood actresses (they act in basically the same way as their Hollywood counterparts), I consider her a role model. She's so decent & also selective in her roles. Happily married with a kid - a rare fit in the movie industry. She's the kind of actress I would want to be - a brilliant actress, strong morals and a happy family - only I would be better!!!

Day 9 - Someone I Wish I Could Meet (B)

I love reading. I can't even count or remember how many books I've read in my entire life (even the last one year). Danielle Steel is my favorite author of all time & I've read 77 of her books to date. I think I have about 5 or so to read of all the books she has ever written. I can remember the storyline of each of the 77 books (I think I can, you can quiz me if you want). I just love her style. She makes the characters so real to you that you feel their pain and joy. Most of her books make me cry/weep. She has many light-hearted books too. If I could just meet her for a day . . .

Day 9 - Someone I Wish I Could Meet (A)

I love music. That's definitely one of the things I'm passionate about. I don't write songs or anything but songs speak to me and touch me in a way nothing else does. I love Taylor Swift's songs. I've always loved country music & Kelly Clarkson used to be my favorite country artiste before Taylor. Her (Taylor) songs really speak to me & stir up emotions in me. I can't even explain it. Plus, she loves her fans. I would really want to meet Taylor!

Day 8 - My Favorite Internet Friend

I thought about this, I don't have an internet friend. What I've had over the years have been phone friends I've never met or whose pictures I've not even seen.

Its kinda hard to pick one person but I'd say my favorite phone friend of all time is Dayo Ajayi. I met (does that apply since I've never actually met him before?) him through a friend, who has also never seen him before, & my friend met him through a mutual friend of ours who is his cousin. Dayo and I were pretty close. We used to talk on the phone very often (at some point every night) & from those conversations we were able to know so much about each other. I could tell you the kind of person he is even though I've never met him & can't even recognize him if he walks past me on the street.

Dayo & I have been out of touch for like 2 years now. Things happen (I guess he changed his number or something). Reading about Yvette's internet friend made me think, "Facebook! Look for him on Facebook!!" I don't know why I never thought of that before. Considering the fact that many people have the name "Dayo Ajayi" & I don't know what he looks like, how would I know? Well, I checked friends list & on his I found his brother's name (who I know too & I've spoken with a few times) & I checked his wall & someone called him by his full name (Ekundayo) so I was right! I already sent a friend request so through Facebook (the internet) we can reestablish our friendship & the awesome plus is I get to see some pictures & physically know my friend!

With Tears Streaming Down My Face

I'm so hating my life right now. I'm so miserable and unhappy. I don't really know what this is about. I think I'm forgetting what true happiness feels like. I need an escape from this mess. I wish people knew how much their words & actions affect others. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. (Sunday, July 18, 2010. 10:21pm)

Day 7 - My Ex-boyfriend/Love/Crush

Can you have an ex-boyfriend without ever having had a boyfriend? Can you have an ex-love (what's that btw) without ever having been in love? I guess the answer is "NO" on both counts so I don't have an ex-boyfriend or ex-love.

This is going to be about my first crush (as far as I can remember) and my almost boyfriend (I know that sounds weird lol).

First Crush:I must have been like 8 years old (#superyoung, but I've always been more mature than my age) when I had a crush on this guy. He's waaaaaaaaaaaaay older than I am (#Anotherrandomfact I fall for older guys too much and vice versa). Since he's known me forever he probably just saw me as a younger sister or whatever, or just a cute kid. His eyes are MAGNIFICENT. I look into those eyes and I'm done, literally. His are the most beautiful eyes I've seen. I'd probably(actually I will) trip for those eyes whenever I see him again. I almost forgot to mention that he noticed me after a while (14, 15, 16) but by then, this girl was feeling grown.

Almost Boyfriend: Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by not having a relationship with this guy. I'm learning to stop living in the past and wondering about what could have been. "Don't cry that its over, smile that it ever happened." We were friends for a while (we still are); I actually realize that what I refer to as our "friendship" is what my American friends will call "talking." I appreciate our friendship & made me realize I can be loved and appreciated. Just putting out there; I didn't have a relationship with him mostly because I'm a coward (with my heart) and was scared & because I knew I was relocating the United States soon (to a much lesser extent). He's a writer/poet and he's good at what he does. He's also older than me btw (almost 7 years). He's the kind of person most girls would want as a boyfriend. Too many memories. I remember when there was a full moon, he sent me a text talking about the moon & actually comparing me to the moon,then he called me. #Sweetmemories. I guess what I'm trying to say is I've never felt as loved in my entire life and I got so much attention and care. I'm happy for him and his girlfriend. I hope she appreciates him. I never really saw myself as being good enough for him anyway.

From Lola's Blog

"

I saw the above on Lola's blog. As I was reading this, coupled with the fact that I was listening to "Jar of Hearts," the tears in my eyes came harder and rolled down. This is so true. "Lola, your words touched me."

FREEDOM

Walking alone in the woods

I see the birds flapping their wings

Flying at will.

Tree branches bend with the wind

I feel the wind upon my face.

And all around me,

I hear the animals scurry,

Moving aimlessly

While others wait silently

The forest is alive

With one important element-

Freedom.

Like the birds,

I want to spread my wings

And fly.

Like the branches,

I want to be able to bend

With the wind of life

And at the end,

Stand tall with my head held up high.

Like the wind,

I want to float in the air

Touching the lives of others

And moving on-

Never caged-

Like the animals,

I want to experience life

Making my own mistakes

And learning from them.

Just like the forest,

I want to be free

Everywhere is suddenly dark,

Oh! The rain is coming-

Now I must return.

If I Die

This is something I think about often, so many times for so many years now. I don't want to die soon or anything like that but it could happen. I pray it doesn't (and I believe it wont) but I wonder & have so many questions about what would happen if I die as a teenager/youth (I don't why I'm not really bothered about the dying as an adult part but I'm not). I'll ask just a few of the questions that run through my mind.

If I die:

* Would my friends and acquaintances miss me?

* What would people miss about me?

* Would people really feel the pain of my loss in their hearts?

* Would I be forgotten after a brief period, like I never happened?

* Even after some years, would some people still say "I wish Chioma were here?"

* Would some say "If Chioma just saw this she would have said . . ."?

* Would some people be able to look at my picture & remember the things for which I lived?

* Would my friends have the memories of us or will my image be a blur in their minds?

* Would some people think the world is better off without me in it?

* Would people be able to say they learned something from me?

* Would people be able to remember the lessons and have the gifts from me forever?

* Would my absence be felt at all?

If I die, there are some things I'd want to happen. "Tell me no tales, sing me no songs, cry me no tears but remember me kindly." "Curl your toes in the soft pines of your floorboards and do remember me."

If I die:

*I'd want my spirit to be able to visit the earth for a while.

*I'd want to be able to help my loved ones through the pain before I finally rest.

*I wouldn't want people to mourn excessively for me.

*Like the two quotes above, all I want is for people to just remember me & the person I was.

*I'd hate to think/know that I was totally forgotten or became a blur in people's minds.

I'd like for a candlelight service at every place where I was happy for a while (NEPA LTS, Mayflower, Ajayi Crowther University, RHS).

*Having one at Mayflower and Ajayi Crowther University would mean the most because I was at my happiest in both places & I met too many awesome people there.

*I'd want those I love to know the extent of my love for them (before I die actually).

This is about that for now. I'd probably remember more things later, because this is something that pops up in my mind fairly often, and edit this later or write a sequel or something.

Day 6 - A Stranger

This is another hard one. I've been thinking about this since the day I saw this topic, and I cannot remember any single stranger I've met that really left an impression. I don't really talk with strangers anyway. The lesson of this is to be more open to people and try to know strangers too.

In The Navel of The Soul

In the navel of the soul

The midwives of the spirit say they can hear a heart throb

The experts of course disagree -

The urine test they ordered tested negative confirming their palpitation results

Our fundal height is at an all-time low

Our breasts bear no tale-tell tints upon their tits

Yet in their finger upon our navel

The midwives of the spirit say they can hear a fetal throb

God, the things that are done in Your name

I mean, the things that are undone behind the flimsy facade of Your name

If our own eyes have not seen

the things they here disclaim on an oath

We would have been believing we dreamt it all

Indeed even now,

Under the heat of their quizzical glare

The benign indulgence of their smiles

We are not sure

NO! We are sure

They say we've gone all out of our minds

But if madness nurtures such lucidity,

God make us mad

Make us even more mad!

For in the navel of the soul

We too have felt at times

The throb of a heart straining

A spirit refusing to be drowned

in its own waters before birth

Day 5 - My Dreams

"I am a dreamer but when I wake you can't break my spirits, its my dreams you take." (Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt). Even if you take the dreams, I'm awake & since you didn't take my memory, I remember & I'll work to make the dreams come true.

I have so many dreams & I could go on and on.

I really want to be successful in whatever, everything and anything I do.

I've always wanted, and still want to be an actress. If you know anything about me, you'll know how much I LOVE the stage. Acting is my passion! Its really amazing. In my short life, I've been on the stage more times than I remember, and nothing ever felt as right. I hope acting continues to remain in my life. All I know is I want to be an actress; dreaming of making it as a celebrity.

I've dreamed of many things:

I used to dream of being a gynecologist and pediatrician but thats not me.

I want to be happy and fulfilled with great friends, a wonderful husband and awesome kids (which include twins). Many of my dreams are romantic (yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic). I have so many romantic ideas about my future relationships and marriage. I hope those dreams come true.

I have many dreams, some might not come true; but a girl can dream can't she?

Day 4 - My Closest Sibling (or relative)

This is too hard. I'm not close to my siblings, at all. I don't really have cousins or family to whom I'm close. I was going to talk about someone but I've just realized the person is not worthy of being called a closest relative so, why bother?

Day 3 - My Parents

Lets start with the insignificant and least important:

I have a stepfather (I guess he counts as a parent). I absolutely D I S L I K E him. He's of no consequence to me. There's no love in my heart for him, at all. Did I mention that he's the phoniest person I've met in my entire life?

My father is in Nigeria. We have a weird kind of relationship. We're not close but I know I love him (even if its a little). He's not been a perfect father or the kind of father I sometimes wish I had but he has a FEW strong points. I think my father likes me least of his three children because he's said to me that I'm just like my mother. My father is kinda scared of me (weird right) because I'm blunt; he didn't let me know this but my uncle told me (don't tell my father I know!). He's the really cool parent. I just have to be like "I'm going to visit my friend" and there are no questions asked. He's also way more liberal about things than my mother. I feel like he trusts me to handle issues more than my mother does. He has so many faults, we don't always get along, I feel he doesn't care at times, I act like I don't care many times; but I do. I miss you dad.

My mother! There's too much to say. We also have a kind of relationship. I'm closer to her than my father but I'm not really close to her. She doesn't really know me & there are way too many things I can't tell her. I would rather talk to my friends about my issues than her. I love her, no doubt. She drives me crazy and all. We get along better when we are apart. My mother is more of the provider for my siblings and I & if anyone knows the kind of sacrifices she's had to make for us, it's me. I appreciate her for all these things. Even though I pray for a better relationship with my future children than the one we have now & I hope that I'm very close to my children - a better mother, I know that my mother tries her best for me (and my siblings) and has made her best efforts to raise us better than she was raised - without the love of a mother or father in the house of people who treated her like a slave; she's succeeding just as I hope I succeed at raising my children better than I'm being raised so that with each generation the bond between mother and children gets stronger.

Day 2 - My Crush

This is actually really easy because right now, I'm not crushing on anyone.

My Crush - Non-existent

Day 1 - My Bestfriend

I've really never had to think of who my best friend is or was considering the fact that where I come from you had best friends when you were a child. Anyway, this blog is about three people (yes I know there are only two pictures; that's just because my picasa was acting a fool yesterday night).

On the right is Tolulope Kumuyi, I call her my "bestest friend" and I love this girl to bits. I've known her since we were both in the womb (that's the truth since we're six months apart in age). My special portable. We don't talk as often as I'd like (that's mostly because of her school) but the bond of friendship is there. There was a time when we were kinda out of touch for a long while but we picked our friendship right back. In spite of the our parents grown up drama and issues, we're still going strong. Too many details; just know, I love this girl, she's my "bestest" friend ever & hopefully our friendship continues for life.

In the middle (the invisible picture) is Omotayo Egberongbe and she's my soul sister. We've been friends for about 5 years now and we've come a long way together. We have so much understanding for each other so we hardly have issues. We're always real with each other. We still talk really often so our friendship is safe. Did I mention that I'm the future godmother of her first child?

On the left is Oluwagbemisola Akinola & I consider her my bestie. I've known her the shortest but I feel like her know her the most or almost as much. We were together for a brief three months in Ajayi Crowther University (my school before I relocated) but I feel like we've been friends for years (in actuality we've been friends for almost 1 year 9 months). I miss her so much. This girl knows me so well & is always ready to apologize when she senses a change in my mood after anything she says or does. Another big thing is she shares so much personal stuff with me that I can trust her with anything, secret (I hardly have any) or issue. We've come a very long way in a short time. I hope its forever. I've got mad love for you girl.

These are the three people I consider my best friends. One similar trait: they are super generous & caring. I love these girls too much.

Blog Challenge

I've been MIA on here for a while that's just because I've been really bored & nothing is happening in my life so there's no inspiration to blog. Anyway, I should be regular for at least the next 30 days seeing as Yvette (the one from Ghana), Bilphena (the Liberian girl) and I (I love those girls; they are just super cool and real) are starting our 30-day blog challenge TOMORROW (Yay!!!!).

These are the first 27 questions:

Day 1 - Your best friend
Day 2 - Your crush
Day 3 - Your parents
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 - Your dreams
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 7 - Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you would like
Day 11 - A deceased person with whom you wish you could talk
Day 12 - The person you hate/the person that caused you the most pain
Day 13 - A fictional book
Day 14 - Someone from whom you have drifted
Day 15 - The person you miss the most
Day 16 - Someone that is not in your state or country
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood
Day 18 - The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad
Day 20 - The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 - Someone to whom you want to give a second chance
Day 23 - The last person you kissed
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 - The last person to who you made a pinky promise
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day

This should really be fun.

Yvette's blog - http://evet965.blogspot.com/

Bilphena's blog - http://planetfaraway.tumblr.com/

*Random* One of my long lost special friends is back in my life. I'm happy he's back; I've missed him so much.

I'm praying for the quick recovery of another one of my special friends. I absolutely miss our wonderful conversations.

I'm outta here for now. I'll be back *deuces*

In a Crazy World

This is crazy. I feel like I'm losing myself.

I'm so constantly unhappy and sad. What happened to the girl people used to ask "Why are you always smiling?" I seem to constantly be in a black hole of unhappiness and emotional pain. This is utterly crazy.

This is not supposed to be a "Nobody understands me and my problems" talk or a "you don't know how hard my life is" whine. None of that crap. We've heard it all before. We (teenagers/youths) like to think we have the most problems in the world. I'm confused. I wish you could understand. This is soooooooo crazy.

I wish I could go back in time to the brief 3 months I was in Ajayi Crowther University where I felt almost constant happiness and joy. Always smiling, bubbly personality, everything that was/is (I don't even know anymore) me. AWESOME friends that truly cared and showed love. The best three months of my life when I constantly felt loved and happy and me. Now I'm in this deep black hole that is driving me crazy.

Can you hear me screaming???? THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!! Ohmigosh! I don't even understand this craziness anymore.

I'm going to bed soon. My head is aching from this madness and utter craziness.

The Lights Are Still On

"We all lose friends... we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." ~ Amy Marie Walz.

I just saw the above quote on Facebook. It was somebody's status and it made a whole lot of sense to me. I've felt this way for a long time now. I've lost so many friends to distance and over time. The few I have right now are not even as close; somethings are just different. I don't even have new friends like that and the few new ones I have can't take the place of the old. Even though I'm lonely and all-alone right now, my friends are ALWAYS in my heart. I hope the day comes soon when we can pick up our friendships right where we left off. For now, the light of your memories is, and will remain, on in my heart; I hope you find your way back to my door, heart and life. Until then, STAY BEAUTIFUL.

Insensitivity

I wish I know what to say to you but, unfortunately, I don't. Many times you make me wonder why I care because it seems like you don't. I try, really try, but you are too blind to see. I'm never appreciated for the efforts I make. Yet every time you're back, I'm happy. And now this . . . no thank you, no acknowledgement, NOTHING! Many times I just want to throw in the towel and scream "I'M DONE."

I know though, that I still wish you'll never leave. You're awesome and we've been through a lot.

I know we'll never ever be truly done because you'll ALWAYS occupy a special place in my heart *sighs*

To Miles C. Blount

So I thought I was not going to cry about leaving RHS. Its not even June 1st and I've been sitting at my computer crying for minutes now. Thanks to Miles.

This is to Miles

The comment about me really touched my heart; you can't even imagine and even though we are not really friends, I know I'm going to miss you. You are one of the few people I truly admired at RHS. You are one of the fewer mature people I ever met. I REALLY WISH we were friends during my brief stay at RHS. Though we were not friends, I still learnt a few things from you. I started blogging because you inspired me to do so. I don't know much about you but from what I know, I can say that your personality outshines most of the people I know. You are so smart too. Never stop being you. I wish you happiness, joy and fulfillment in life.

P.S. You made my day. Expect a big hug when I see you this evening. Thanks Miles =]

From a Bleeding Heart

I'm proud

I'm harsh

I'm mean

I'm selfish

I'm irresponsible

I'm stupid

These are some of the things you've said to me all my life. You never see how hard I try. And I do try, I really do. I think I'm done trying now. I think you have almost finally convinced me that I'm the worst person ever. I guess if I never get married, have a relationship, lose my friends and siblings all because of my horrible self, then I'll learn to live with it. I'll probably just be a missionary or something so as to make the best of my lonely life. Or maybe I'll join the convent, take an oath of poverty, and spend the rest of my lonely life reflecting on how horrible I am as a person.

You almost never have a kind word for me. I never do anything right. You've caused me so much pain that its a surprise that I'm still whole. I've never been weak. Its time to wrap my strength around me like a blanket and hold on tightly to my little patience. Being strong is all I have now, but know that once I leave, I'll never come back.

I'm DONE trying because I've come to realize that no matter how hard I try, you'll forever remain unsatisfied.

And when tomorrow, you look around and don't find me, I hope you remember that you pushed me away.

Stay Beautiful

It seems to me that I'm always saying goodbye to people.

I HATE GOODBYES simply because I never truly say goodbye. Sometimes I feel like I hold on to people too much but I just can't let go of the people who once meant something to me. Once a friend, always a friend.

Don't get it twisted though, I'm definitely not close to all the people I've truly cared about but when I remember how we used to be, it brings tears to my eyes and makes me smile, as my heart wishes for those kind of moments with those people.

Right now, I still care about my friends back home, I can't talk to them as often but I still deeply, very deeply, care. Its too hard for me to really not stay attached to people. I hope this is a good trait but most times it brings pain with it.

Taylor Swift's Stay Beautiful really describes how I feel about every single friend I've ever truly loved and cared about (and I definitely still do). " ... And when you find every thing you've looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my front door" it breaks my heart to say this, but I have to face the fact that some people are not meant to be in your life forever and I can't hold on to everybody so "But if it don't, just stay beautiful."

(My ex-school father inspired this piece tonight. Thank God for Facebook. I've definitely missed him in many ways. He made me smile tonight =])

If only you knew, you wouldn't blame me for never wanting to come home. But I've not found a place to call home. I wanted to belong here but something always felt so wrong here. I'll spread my wings, learn how to fly and breakaway on my homeward journey.

You Belong With Me

This song by my newfound love - Taylor Swift really touched a part of me and I've not stopped listening.

Can I truly know what's right for me and you? Can I truly say I know your story? Can I honestly say I'm what you're looking for? There's so much I'm not, but there's more I am.

I'm not even sure if this is for you (*******) or for someone else I don't know yet or have not met or someone I know but we've not come out to admit. All I know is my heart craves that special someone that'll be there and be a best friend and someone on whom I can rely.

Dreaming (and dreams come true; without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them) about the day that you'd find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time. If you can just see that I'm the one who understands you and I've been here all along, then I hope you'll know that you belong with me <3 . . .

Collision of Thoughts

Way too much on my mind...

Thinking of what could have been, what is, what is not, what I wish had been/or is, what might be in the future.

Did I make the right choices? Did I let my fear of failure and heartbreak hinder me from making the best decisions? Can I truly say I don't have regrets?

Who am I? Who is the person I see in the mirror each day? Have I truly come to terms with the present?

Am I an "Oliver Twist" for wanting more than I have now and for wishing some things were different? Do I want too much?

Am I wrong for trying to eat my cake and have it back - making some decisions and still wishing I could know what the outcome of the other side of my decisions would have been? Is it wrong for me to remain in the past dreaming of what could have been? What I wish had been . . . what I wish is . . .

What does the future have in store for me? Would I ever have that complete happiness I seek? Would I ever have the degree of happiness I once had from my life? Would I ever be the me I was and want to be? Above all, would I ever find love and fulfillment.

Maybe I want too much, maybe I spend too much time in the past thinking of what could have been, but I think I can say honestly, to a certain degree, that I don't have regrets about the decisions I've made. Maybe I've not been a very happy person in the past year (because of this well of pain in me) but my life, in general has been a joy to me, and in my short seventeen years, I've had a fair share (maybe unfair share) of sorrow, pain and betrayal and I've also had a large share of joy, happiness and gladness. Love is another issue, but I refuse to settle for less. I wonder a lot of times if I'm destined to find love or will ever find true love...

I'm engulfed in a whirlwind of emotions now . . . tears in my eyes, confusion in my head, thoughts on my mind . . . So many questions without answers. I wonder how long these questions pertinent to me will continue to hang in midair with question marks attached to them . . .

REDEFINITION

I don't know what this is about but I'm just going to write (well, type) with the flow. On March 3, 2010, it was exactly a year that I came to the United States. Believe me, this one year has not been an easy task. I went from being an independent and carefree spirit to someone that is caged and can only see freedom from a distance. I know my freedom is near, I can feel it. My life has been on pause since I came to this country and it's time for me to stop existing and start living.

I never thought I'd survive this new environment for a whole year, and when I think of the months I still have to spend in this cocoon I'm trapped in, I still wonder if I'd survive. I know I have to and I know I will.

Amongst other things, this one year was a time for me to rediscover myself and try to figure out who this girl really is. It was a time for me to see myself in isolation from all the factors I was used to having around me. In this year, I've learnt to be more patient, work on my quick temper and not let people get to me. I still miss the huge chunk of me that is in hibernation and that I left behind, but this year has made me discover other parts of me. I know that by the time this discovery process is over, I would find the hibernating parts of me. This is a time for me to redefine myself and the new me is definitely going to stun you . . .

The Beginning of a Journey

Finally I've created a blog and this journey into my mind and soul begins. I've wanted to create a blog for a long time but said to myself, "my life is not interesting enough." Sometimes, I think my thoughts are actually worth recording, but most times, I don't do that. Don't get me wrong, I do record my thoughts - since 2006, I've been faithfully keeping a journal - but not just as in-depth as I should. The things that go through my mind most times are pretty deep and surprise me. My first few blogs will be about my previous major thoughts and writings.

Now, I move on to talk about the things that inspired me to start blogging. My cousin, a well-known blogger and writer in the UK, is one important factor. Reading the blogs of others like Miles, Yvette, Sua and Edem, also played a major role. I would have started blogging, maybe in college, when I thought my life interesting enough. So I really appreciate the person that made me start this blog early - Miles. He said that my life is what I make it and once I start blogging I'd find my life interesting. So thank you everyone. I hope to really make this work as this is a discovery process for me as well. And now the journey begins . . .