Collision of Thoughts

Way too much on my mind...

Thinking of what could have been, what is, what is not, what I wish had been/or is, what might be in the future.

Did I make the right choices? Did I let my fear of failure and heartbreak hinder me from making the best decisions? Can I truly say I don't have regrets?

Who am I? Who is the person I see in the mirror each day? Have I truly come to terms with the present?

Am I an "Oliver Twist" for wanting more than I have now and for wishing some things were different? Do I want too much?

Am I wrong for trying to eat my cake and have it back - making some decisions and still wishing I could know what the outcome of the other side of my decisions would have been? Is it wrong for me to remain in the past dreaming of what could have been? What I wish had been . . . what I wish is . . .

What does the future have in store for me? Would I ever have that complete happiness I seek? Would I ever have the degree of happiness I once had from my life? Would I ever be the me I was and want to be? Above all, would I ever find love and fulfillment.

Maybe I want too much, maybe I spend too much time in the past thinking of what could have been, but I think I can say honestly, to a certain degree, that I don't have regrets about the decisions I've made. Maybe I've not been a very happy person in the past year (because of this well of pain in me) but my life, in general has been a joy to me, and in my short seventeen years, I've had a fair share (maybe unfair share) of sorrow, pain and betrayal and I've also had a large share of joy, happiness and gladness. Love is another issue, but I refuse to settle for less. I wonder a lot of times if I'm destined to find love or will ever find true love...

I'm engulfed in a whirlwind of emotions now . . . tears in my eyes, confusion in my head, thoughts on my mind . . . So many questions without answers. I wonder how long these questions pertinent to me will continue to hang in midair with question marks attached to them . . .

REDEFINITION

I don't know what this is about but I'm just going to write (well, type) with the flow. On March 3, 2010, it was exactly a year that I came to the United States. Believe me, this one year has not been an easy task. I went from being an independent and carefree spirit to someone that is caged and can only see freedom from a distance. I know my freedom is near, I can feel it. My life has been on pause since I came to this country and it's time for me to stop existing and start living.

I never thought I'd survive this new environment for a whole year, and when I think of the months I still have to spend in this cocoon I'm trapped in, I still wonder if I'd survive. I know I have to and I know I will.

Amongst other things, this one year was a time for me to rediscover myself and try to figure out who this girl really is. It was a time for me to see myself in isolation from all the factors I was used to having around me. In this year, I've learnt to be more patient, work on my quick temper and not let people get to me. I still miss the huge chunk of me that is in hibernation and that I left behind, but this year has made me discover other parts of me. I know that by the time this discovery process is over, I would find the hibernating parts of me. This is a time for me to redefine myself and the new me is definitely going to stun you . . .